Synopsis: A BMW M135i and Volkswagen Golf square off with Jeremy supervising proceedings, Richard takes the Porsche 918 out for a spin at the Abu Dhabi F1 track and Jeremy and James make a bicycle PSA film.
Details: The fifth episode in Series 21 begins with Jeremy using the Top Gear test track as center stage for a hot hatch showdown between the venerable Volkswagen Golf and the BMW M135i whippersnapper with Clarkson declaring the slippery BMW to be “schtoopid”, guilty of vehicular hooliganism and accusing it of “trying to kill” him when he spins it out – despite the fact that The Stig records a faster Top Gear test track lap time for the BMW [1:25.1] than for the Golf [1:28.6]. After Jeremy’s BMW spinout, James and Richard use much of the remaining episode to remind Jeremy that he has difficulty driving in anything other than a straight line.
The News: The boys ponder what England would lose if Scotland were successful in declaring its independence and they settle on the poorly made, hardly bought, Scottish supercar, the Argyle, as well as the constantly breaking down Scottish minicar, the Scamp. Hammond admits that Porsche has taken away his brand new GT3 due to its propensity to catch fire and Jeremy delights in pointing this out.
James and Jeremy embark on another tongue-in-cheek advertising mission – a la the VW commercial episode – with this year’s target being: the bicycle. The boys intend to make a public service announcement [PSA] film extolling the virtues of the bicycle and sell it to regional transportation officials. Of course, their back-handed methodology produces twin taglines for both of their attempts with Jeremy’s being “Work harder. Get a car.” and James’ being “Act your age. Get a car.” – neither of which amuse the transportation officials. They both decide to actually ride bikes through downtown London and come to two conclusions – they should only take left hand turns and buses are the bike’s true enemies and goes as far as to compose a poster bearing the warning – “Don’t Use the Bus, You’ll Get a Disease”. Jeremy’s last-ditch effort to make the bike a worthwhile transportation vehicle has him attaching a small jet engine to the back so he doesn’t have to bother with peddling, but the engine eventually runs out of fuel and he has to peddle anyway. The finished PSA film lauds bicyclists for their choice of transportation because it makes more room for cars on the roads. Needless to say, the transportation officials are not amused.
Back in the studio, actor Aaron Paul [“Breaking Bad” and “Need for Speed”] admits to owning a 1982 gold Toyota Corolla and a Toyota ForeRunner pickup truck before also mentioning his 1965 Shelby Cobra. Paul takes the Reasonably Priced Car for an admirable spin around the Top Gear test track and comes in with a lap time of 1:44.7 – fastest of the series so far this year and one of the fastest of all time.
Finally, Hammond finishes off the fifth episode by driving the Porsche 918 hybrid supercar around the Formula One track at Abu Dhabi with constant reminders of its performance as compared to the McLaren P1 driven by Jeremy in an earlier episode. The Porsche 918 has a 612-horsepower 4.6-liter V8 gasoline engine which goes from 0-60 in 2.6 seconds, has a 211 mph top speed and an electric motor which powers the car for an 18-mile range. The Porsche 918 also boasts a lap time around the Nurburgring of 6:57 – faster than a Lexus LFA, Nissan GT-R and P1.
The Poop and Skinny: Top thing to remember from this episode…
As Jeremy points out on numerous gloating occasions, his arch-enemy, Piers Morgan, had his show cancelled by CNN.
The coveted ASN Best Line of the Episode Award goes to Jeremy after the bike gel he has rubbed on his buttocks to ease his bike riding has begun to feel unpleasant and he must make an emergency stop at a hotel to relieve the pain, asking the concierge – “Please may I use your lavatory? My scrotum is on fire.”
Courtesy of the BBC, here is Top Gear Series 21, Episode 5.