Synopsis: The second part of the long-awaited “Christmas” special concludes with the producers sending the boys to Myanmar [Burma] in an attempt to loosely recreate the “Bridge Over The River Kwai” scenario.
Details: The seventh and final episode in Series 21 is the second part of the annual “Christmas” special [which has become somewhat of an acknowledged joke by now since it almost always never happens on Christmas week, nor even in Christmas month or – in this case – within two months of Christmas month]. Nevertheless, the producers have decided to send the boys to Myanmar [Burma] in an attempt to recreate the scenario shown in the classic film “Bridge Over the River Kwai” in which a collection of mostly British POW’s captured by the Japanese during World War II are tasked with helping the Japanese by building a bridge over the aforementioned river.
To rehash, similar to the Bolivia Special, the boys are challenged to find local “lorries” [trucks] and the results are, well, less than satisfying in all three cases. Jeremy purchases a large what he deems as a “sports lorry” that is either an Isuzu or a Mitsubishi, James purchase a small truck [Jeremy refers to it as a van] with a crane that creates all manner of problems and Richard buys a truck sporting a large overhead bin which he finds to be cumbersome in narrow Myanmar streets or any road with a tree next to it.
After traversing most of Myanmar [Burma], the boys finally are within shouting [for Jeremy] distance of the River Kwai – which is actually in Thailand – but first they must navigate a particular tricky stretch of territory called the Shan state, which is embroiled in a civil war. The inhabitants of said disputed territory, to put it kindly, frown upon strangers – especially British-y looking strangers – and the boys look all British-y and their lorries and camera crews don’t necessarily help matters. But common sense seems to have intruded upon the combatants and a temporary ceasefire is declared to allow the boys to go through unmolested on their way to the River Kwai. But first, a hillclimb race and then a party.
Along the way, James’ lorry repeatedly breaks down and Hammond accidentally backs into Jeremy’s “sports lorry” and causes a radiator leak. In retribution, Jeremy recruits James and the duo pee into Richard’s rain buckets which he uses as his showering water. In turn, Hammond recruits James and the pair wake up in the middle of the night and dump Jeremy out of the bed of his dump truck “sports lorry”.
Shenanigans aside, they finally arrive at their destination and begin building a bridge over the River Kwai. Well, Richard and James build while Jeremy rests because he has decreed himself to be an officer and officers don’t work so he hires locals to do his work for him. After James and Richard lock him up in a hotbox, Jeremy relents and decides to help by buying Hammond a digger and bringing a bigger crane truck than James has – only to knock his bigger crane truck on its side.
After a hard night’s work, James is snoring again to Jeremy and Richard hoist him up in his tent over the River Kwai and, after a few short breaks involving Thai liquor with names like Hong Thong, Black Cock and Red Cock, finally discover that they are not building a bridge over the River Kwai but rather a different river [which Jeremy likes to refer to as the “River Cock”]. The boys were actually well north of the actual River Khwae Yai.
Nevertheless, the challenge is to drive their heavy lorries over their makeshift bridge and we can report that no bridges or Top Gear presenters were harmed as all three made it across safely.
The Poop and Skinny: Top thing to remember from this episode…
Hankey Bannister – third-best whisky in northern Myanmar.
The coveted ASN Best Line of the Episode Award goes to Jeremy who, upon seeing a mother and her baby lifting rocks near a road, utters this classic… – “Babies are no good at building roads.”
Courtesy of the BBC, here is Top Gear Series 21, Episode 7.